Therapy

The only thing I can afford at this point is this ..I am in need of a therapist. I was driving my son home from another failed music lesson and I had the sudden urge to eat away my sorrows. So I stopped at the Jamaican restaurant and got a beef patty. Of course immediately after I needed a large piece of brownie which I devoured in between feeding my daughter her milk and the vomit spells that followed.I am overweight…severely overweight. I don’t go to the doctor often, but when I do, the word obese is usually written on my chart for all to see. Well not all…but I feel like it is. As much as I try to ignore the word it bothers me to the core. How did I get here? Granted, since college graduation I have been about 15 pounds more than what I should be for my height. But that’s because at 150 my collar bones start to show and my ass disappears and it looks like a strong gush of wind can knock me over. I’m still trying to figure out which ass came up with the weight/height chart. So no…I don’t want to be 150…hell I don’t even want to be 165 anymore. I just don’t want to be obese. I want to be comfortable in my own skin…but after gaining 4 lbs in like a week and a half i’m starting to think that something might be psychologically wrong. At the first sign of distress I run to my fridge for comfort. And trust me I don’t grab the carrots and celery. Today was no different….

I put my baby in the car to pick up my son from the bus stop. Looked at my phone and saw a missed call from my son’s school. It was 2:20 at this point. A call at that time typically means I have to pick him up from school. I know the routine…I have sadly done it a million times before. I got to the front office and greeted everyone. No one ask for my ID anymore…my face has been seen by them all. I ask for my child…I don’t even have to say a name…they just all know. He’s in the guidance counselor’s office. He doesn’t want to come home. He wants to live somewhere else…anywhere else. His reason? I won’t allow him to play on my phone or my laptop. I tell him to walk..he doesn’t. So I do the next best thing…I drag him outside. Thankfully this time after a minute or 2 he gets up and chooses to walk. He’s not getting the attention he wants. No one is paying attention to him. It’s been replayed a million times before and everyone is completely done. He was recently diagnosed with a million disorders. I think I stopped counting. Psychiatrist thinks its ADHD, oppositional defiance disorder and bipolar disorder. Though because he’s a child..they call it a mood disorder. His therapist thinks that he has transitional issues and ADHD and the psychologist believes its autism. I think he’s a cunt. I really shouldn’t say that but that’s how I feel. I don’t know what to believe. I have never in my life dealt with anything remotely similar. No one I know has any kind of anything so I don’t have anyone to bounce ideas off of. My family thinks he will outgrow whatever the “it” is. His father is not the best person in the world so I’m a little hesitant about believing it. After spending time at the school we had to quickly come home for his snack and then head out to piano class. He has to spend 30 minutes and I usually bribe him with cookies or something to get him to focus. He spent about 15 minutes whining and 15 minutes actually playing. But we got through it and I needed something after that…food. So here I am…trying to find an outlet. This is my life. The hand that God blessed me with. Don’t get me wrong…I am in love with my family. But there are certain aspects of my life that makes my eye twitch. I am not trying to change my life..my path or my direction. I would just like to find a healthier outlet for the challenges that life brings. My children are beautiful, my man is everything I prayed for but I am 2 seconds away from losing it. So here I am…a broken vessel trying to repair myself. Take this journey with me…

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